


Slowly, I'm Drowning For You

by FiendMaz



Series: Oceans Will Part In This War Of Hearts [5]
Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood-centric, Character Development, Confused Alec, Developing Friendships, Friendship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-26
Updated: 2016-06-26
Packaged: 2018-07-17 23:20:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7290169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiendMaz/pseuds/FiendMaz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec learns that being in a relationship isn't straightforward - it's anything but. Throwing in immortality to an already confusing situation, he finds himself out of his depths. Thankfully, he can always count on his female supporters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Slowly, I'm Drowning For You

**Author's Note:**

> I have not read any of the books so do excuse the liberties I took with regards to the character's abilities or otherwise.

_I’m drowning for you but my style ain’t for you._

_– Took a long time to believe in this far-fetched lucid dream but I do._

_We got something stuck between us._

Drowning – WRLD (ft. Ehiorobo)

*~*~*~*

 

The Institute was buzzing and humming; hushed conversations and magnetic digital noises along with the occasional 'tick tack' coming from wooden staffs or high heels slapping the floor. It was an average morning in the wake of Jace's sacrifice to leave with Valentine.

Typically, Alec was sat on a chair in front of a large screen, one hand gliding through the smooth expanse of the digital invention, the other hand holding onto the parabatai rune hidden beneath his shirt. His face was hard set, brows furrowed and lips set in a grim line. Stormy dark twilight eyes darted back and forth absorbing information with lightning speed in such a way that anyone looking would know his mind was twisting and turning every possible information into something useful like clockwork.

Beside him was a striking beauty with extreme likeliness to him. Izzy was sat on the desk in her usual clothing that revealed too much and covered too little. Her face was scrunched up intently staring at her brother although she glanced at the screen occasionally as if she was battling with herself.

Finally, she sighed and tugged Alec's jacket sleeve.

"Hm?" He questioned distractedly.

"So, went to Magnus’ this morning?"

Alec spared his sister a glance.

“C’mon, big bro. You know I won’t judge you…” Izzy trailed off.

Alec didn’t reply but he shifted his gaze to his sister when she slid off the table to stand in front of him. He held onto her shoulder gently. “I know.” He murmured.

Izzy smiled. “Are you happy?”

“I think it’s too soon for that.” Alec let go of her and ran his hand through his own hair. Magnus was off when he had visited him in the morning. It was like he was himself but restrained. No longer the colourful and _“coy not cryptic”_ warlock he had been used to. “You know, I had a talk with Catarina after I left Magnus’. I thought he was just tired yesterday because of clients or something but he really isn’t recovering quickly. Not like back then with Luke.”

“What did she say? Oh, I haven’t thanked her.” Izzy pouted then her expression turned inquisitive. “How did you get Catarina’s number?

“Actually, I went by the hospital she works at. But I did get her number. In case next time we need warlock healing and Magnus has exerted himself enough.” Alec pulled out his phone from his pocket. “You should save her number.”

Izzy grabbed his phone and hopped back onto the table, swiping up her own phone from the side. “So, what’s wrong with Magnus?”

Alec tapped his finger on the table, the vivid image of Mangus shaking from exhaustion after using magic made a pang resound in his chest. “She said he ingested some Downworlder blood but it’s never happened before so –,”

“Basically, Magnus is weak and we can’t do anything about it.”

“Exactly.”

“Alright.” Izzy handed over his phone. “How did he look when you visited?”

“Honestly?” Alec chuckled a bit, thinking back to how uncharacteristically rumpled and unkempt Magnus had been when he first entered the loft. It was rather endearing – and alarming how he felt that way. He was so caught off guard, he was reduced to a stuttering mess. _Seriously fantastic_ , he thought sarcastically. Alec cast a quick look around them before answering. “He looked great.” He grimaced. “No, okay, he looked tired – but great.”

Izzy muffled a laugh. “You’re seeing him through rose-coloured glass, brother.” She patted his shoulder and Alec glared.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Izzy grinned. “It means that even if he was so sick he had snot all over him, you’d still say he looked great.”

 _Have you seen him_? _He always looks great_. Alec cast his thoughts away. “Never mind, Izzy. We’re supposed to be looking for Jace.”

“And we are.” Izzy replied. “But big bro, we've been at this for days. We should go out and find information that way." Izzy suggested and by her tone, it was obvious she was bored out of her mind.

Alec shot her a curious look. "And where do we start?"

"Camille's?"

"No." Alec pursed his lips in annoyance. "Besides, we tore the place apart already."

"Well, have you gone through the stuff with Magnus?"

Alec stopped his insistent motions on the screen and turned his full attention towards his little sister. "Why would I do that?"

Izzy rolled her eyes. "Only he would know if any of them are important plus you get to spend time with him on official business." She wriggled her brows. “I’m sure it doesn’t take that much magic.”

Alec made a noise. “Regardless, I’ll ask him after a few more days. He needs to rest." Alec frowned, wondering how he didn't think of it. Perhaps he had been too focused on getting Jace back and he wasn't as focused on other matters as he should be. He looked around. "Where's the stuff kept again?"

Izzy looked at him like he'd lost his mind. "Wow. You don't know? Don't worry, dear brother, I'll check." She reached out for her tab.

Alec parted his lips, inhaling a bit of air, wanting to defend himself but stopped short when he saw his mother and Lydia with an older man from the Clave. Lydia looked much like usual, professional and efficient, but the corners of her lips were downturned letting Alec know she was getting annoyed.

It made his breath stop and he couldn't understand the dull aching throb in his chest when his mind projected them to be a couple. He looked old, too old for her and it was... unsightly. His mother would be a better candidate for him. Alec turned away, rubbing at a spot in his chest. He slumped on his seat.

It wasn't the first time he'd felt this way when seeing two individuals with one older and the other younger. And he was as confused as ever because why was it bothering him? Didn't Magnus promise to glamour himself so they looked to be the same age? So problem solved... And yet...

"Aha! It's in the fifth storage room."

Alec startled out of his reverie and looked at his sister with wide-eyes, flushing a bit at her raised brow. "Fifth storage." He glanced back at Lydia and met her eyes. He gave a sympathetic grimace and she closed her eyes briefly before returning to her work. His mother spotted him and glared, her disapproval threatening to pin him down where he sat. Alec turned back to his sister. “You know what, let’s go out.”

Izzy beamed. “Yes!”

“We’re looking for clues on Jace.” Alec raised a brow at her and she nodded solemnly, suddenly serious.

“Of course, big brother. I just don’t want to stay cooped up inside the Institute.”

Alec nodded. “Go… get what you need and we’ll meet at the entrance in ten minutes.”

Izzy went and Alec did one last browse through the screen before leaving for the weapons and training room. He stopped by the steps, surprised to see Lydia beating up the punching bag. Slowly, he walked over to her line of view. “Everything alright?”

Lydia thrust her palm out to stop the bag from moving and smiled briefly. “Yes. It’s just, the people from the Clave are giving me a rough time. They’re poking into every business of the Institute even when there’s no problems to be found.” She sighed and grabbed the towel off her shoulder, sauntering over to the weapons table to lean on it.

“I’m sorry.” Alec apologised and took the spot beside Lydia.

“Don’t worry about it.” She countered immediately.

“It’s because of the wedding, isn’t it?”

Lydia nodded. “Yes but it’s not just that. In the Clave’s eyes, I’ve been failing at my job. What with Meliorn escaping, the Forsaken attack and Izzy’s trial… The wedding was just one other thing. Then the Cup was stolen, of course, so wasn’t that just the icing on the cake?”

Alec sighed and moved to stand before her. “Lydia, none of those were your fault. You did everything the Clave told you to and what was procedure. None of them could have planned better.”

“And you’re right.” Lydia smirked tiredly. “But the fact is, they’ll still blame me since I’m in charge.” Her eyes changed into a deeper colour. “I’m sorry you haven’t restored the honour to the Lightwood name yet.”

“No… It’s… At first I was doing it for my parents and my siblings. But after what you said about them being in the Circle,” Alec looked away. “I think I was just doing it for myself to prove to them that I can shoulder the responsibility – _their_ responsibilities.”

“And now?”

“It’s not worth it.” Alec shifted his eyes towards the clock at the wall. “It was _never_ worth it anyway.” He stalked to the weapons slide by the wall and slid it out. “They never really appreciate what I do. At least, this time, I did it for myself and I don’t care for their approval.” He took out the seraph blade and slot it to the clasp at his back then grabbed his bow and quiver and another seraph blade for his sister. When he swivelled around, Lydia was standing looking at him with a defiant look.

“Where are you going? I haven’t sanctioned any missions.”

Alec paused. “It’s not a mission.” He started slowly. “Izzy and I are going out to look for more information on Jace. The weapons are precaution.”

“You need to tell me these things.” Lydia rubbed at her forehead. “Despite being friends, I need to know where you go just at least until all these messes have blown over and the Clave retreats.”

Alec blinked. “Sure.” He breathed in deeply. “Are you going to stay as the Head?”

Lydia slumped suddenly. “I don’t know.”

“Is there a chance the control goes back to my family?”

“Probably not.” Lydia confessed. “I’ve been thinking… The best bet would be to still join forces and lead the Institute together. After all, that’s what we were after in the first place. We could do it as a solid partnership without marriage.”

Alec squinted. “How does that work?”

“Well,” She drawled. “I am an envoy from the Clave. Clearly, I’m qualified despite… And you, you’re a Lightwood who has just gained a very powerful ally. We can make an extremely persuasive case.”

“I’ll help you write the request.” Alec cocked his head. “And, I’ll be out after the patrol tonight. I’m meeting up with Magnus.”

“Hot date?” Lydia wiggled her brows and Alec groaned.

“No, don’t be like Izzy. I have enough with just one of her.”

Lydia laughed. “I hear he’s quite magical.”

Alec closed his eyes. “Don’t remind me I said that.”

“Hope you have fun!” Lydia cheered.

“You two are having way too much fun with my relationship with Magnus.”

“Oh, is it a relationship already?” Lydia leered.

Alec pursed his lips. “Stop. I’m leaving.”

Lydia’s laugh followed Alec on his way to the entrance.

“I asked Clary to come.” Izzy said when he arrived. She was rummaging through her bag, looking for something.

Alec tensed.

_“You’ll keep an eye on her, right? ...Swear to me you won’t take your eyes off of Clary.”_

He took a deep breath and handed over the seraph blade he intended for his sister as an extra arsenal to the red headed girl. “Don’t wander off.” He ordered. It was always a gamble bringing Clary despite training her daily. She was learning quickly but not enough to be able to hold her own. And the last thing he needed right now was to fail Jace in looking after the girl again.

“I’m not a child.” Clary replied in annoyance.

“You’ve wandered off enough for me to warn you about it.” Alec retorted. “I don’t need you getting lost on top of Jace.” He had enough to worry about.

Clary parted her lips, eyes shaky. She swallowed audibly. “Promise I won’t wander off. I haven’t been doing enough to search for Jace as it is.”

Alec sighed. “It’s fine.” He forced out, trying to comfort her. “You’re worried about your mother.”

Clary looked at him with wonder, a hesitant smile playing on her lips, and he steeled himself to clear the air between them.

“Look, Jace… Jace went on his own volition. And I don’t hate you. But you’ve been constantly endangering my family. And now that you have yours back… I get it.” Alec looked away. Now, he just needed to get Jace back.

“Oh!” Izzy interrupted Clary from speaking. “I’ll just go grab my lipstick.” She looked at the electrum whip inked into her arm's skin. "And maybe a seraph blade just in case."

Alec rolled his eyes. “Wait for you outside then. And inform Lydia that Clary’s coming with us!” He hollered after her retreating form. Shaking his head, he pushed the doors to the Institute open and stepped out. He held the door long enough for Clary to slip out as well and nodded when she flashed him a grateful smile.

Outside, his attention was peaked when peals of laughter rang through the usually silent street. He curiously trudged down the steps in time to see a trio round the corner walking towards his general direction.

His smile turned sentimental as he remembered his times with his siblings. Except, this trio were all male and two of them were decidedly a couple if their entwined arms were any indication. Alec shifted uneasily, unused to such blatant PDA between gays yet he felt a pleasant warmth from the scene nonetheless.

But soon, his smile turned into a grim line when he noticed the third man discreetly holding the hand of one of the couple. And his stomach turned when the third man and the one half of the couple shared an adoring look.

“Wow, I’ve never seen a gay player before.”

Alec snapped his head to face Clary. “A what?”

Clary gestured to the trio. “Gay player.” She huffed when he kept a blank face. “A gay who is obviously cheating on his partner with another guy. Surely, you have those?” Clary waved her hand. “I mean, a guy cheating with two girls?”

Alec felt his heart throb painfully and parted his lips, unknowing what to reply but was saved when Izzy bounded down to them.

“What are you two talking about?”

“Gay players.”

“Oh.” Izzy laughed. “Why?”

Clary pointed at the trio now walking past them. “The middle guy’s a player.”

“Poor boys.” Izzy lamented, placing her hand to her heart.

Alec rubbed at his chest.

_“Never underestimate Magnus’ hedonism… or his greed.”_

He grabbed Izzy’s hand, suddenly wanting his sister’s advice and comfort. “Izzy,” Alec took a gander at Clary then promptly pulled his sister to the side.

“What’s wrong, big brother? We were just joking around.”

“It’s not a joke.” Alec asserted tensely.

Izzy blinked, taken aback. “What’s wrong?”

“What do you…  I mean, Magnus –,”

“Okay, stop.” Izzy raised her hand. “Are you honestly worried about Magnus cheating on you?”

Alec jerked his head. “No… No. Maybe – I don’t know.”

“What’s bothering you?”

“When I get old –,”

“Didn’t you talk to Magnus about that already?”

Alec huffed. “Will you let me finish, Izzy?”

Izzy nodded impatiently.

“We talked and he said he’d put on an aging glamour for me.” Alec looked over his shoulder at the backs of the trio then to his sister again. “I don’t think I'm actually worried about aging per se. Or maybe I am but that's not all.” He grunted in frustration.

This close to his sister, Alec could almost see her brain whirring to decipher his thoughts for him. It made him happy him to know his sister was so supportive of him despite having kept secrets from her for most of their lives. Although, it was probably a mix between her care for him and her excitement over the fact that his chance of 'getting laid' was higher now that he was entering a romantic relationship. But he'd take it since she was well-versed in romantic relationships and he had no experience to take insight from.

“Alright.” Izzy finally spoke. “You… think he’ll cheat on you when he gets bored of you?”

Alec grimaced. “That’s possible.” He hushed, realising he had more problems to think of.

“Okay, no, no.” Izzy backpedalled. “You are not boring and he will not be bored of you.” She tapped her manicured nail on her lips. “He won’t age so… He…” Izzy closed one eye and scrunched her face in thought. After a second, she hollered over her shoulder for Clary.

Confused, Alec simply continued gazing at his sister’s face, wondering if the answer to what his heart was trying to tell his mind would be found there.

“What’s up?” Clary asked.

“I’m stumped.” Izzy grabbed Clary’s arm and hauled her closer to their huddle at the side. “Alec is worried about aging and something about cheating. Throw out some ideas for my dear brother.”

“Izzy!” Alec hissed, feeling utterly betrayed.

Izzy waved at him dismissively. “She’s here to help. Mundane insight and all that.”

“Um,” Clary rubbed at a lock of her curled hair. “If Magnus won’t age and Alec will, Magnus might look for someone younger then?”

Alec felt an ice cold bucket of water drench him. “You’re right.” He whispered solemnly.

“No, I’m not.” Clary retracted. “That wasn’t me revealing the future.”

Alec glared at her reflexively. “Don’t lie to me.”

“Look, Alec.” Izzy laid a hand on his chest. “Remember what I said? If mortality was a problem, Magnus would never have run after you.”

_“...he’s not exactly shied away from the pleasures of every century.”_

“Hodge said –,”

“Hodge is a traitor and you shouldn’t listen to him.” Izzy declared stubbornly. “Besides, have you forgotten what Magnus risked for you at the wedding? You aren’t a passing fad or a plaything, Alec. He’s serious about you.”

Alec breathed out slowly. “Alright…” He eyed the orange afternoon sun peeking out from the side of a faraway tall building. “Let’s just go.”

Izzy patted his chest once and then grabbed Clary’s arm, pulling the red head with her as she walked.

Alec looked after them for a while, his thoughts a swirling mess. He shifted to his side and stared at the empty street, imagining the trio. Was it a premonition of his future life with Magnus? The warlock stuck with him as he aged, forced to look older and older with a glamour, but entertaining young ones with his eternally youthful looks without Alec's knowledge?

An even worse thought: was he willing to share the warlock whilst he was still alive? If only so Magnus wouldn’t be so hurt by his death...

An immortal and a mortal. What a mess.

He didn’t know when he started breathing harshly but he stopped it as soon as he noticed and ran the length between him, his sister and Clary. Alec pushed his thoughts away and filed them for a later worry. He had no time for it – not with Jace out there alone.

And certainly not with his date with Magnus upon nightfall.

 

*~*~*~*

_They tell you to follow your heart._

_But my heart is in a million pieces and…_

_I’m not sure which piece to follow._

**Author's Note:**

> I want to explain how I'm approaching writing Alec.
> 
> My characterisation of Alec is definitely not perfect. And I'm struggling all the time to make him as similar to the TV show with a mild influence of book Alec as well as making him more human. TV show Alec is definitely less oblivious and more attune to his feelings and everything else around him but at the same time, he's also lost and vulnerable and confused whenever Magnus is involved.
> 
> Getting into a relationship with Magnus is going to throw off Alec as he navigates the different feelings a potential boyfriend would invoke in him. And yeah, he'll get confused and think he knows what he's feeling but then he'll find there's another thing bothering him. It's a process that he'll have to go through and that's normal, that's human.
> 
> All that aside, any comments or suggestions about how I can improve my characterisation of Alec is welcome! And if anyone is inclined, I'd love to have a chat over it haha (I'm secretly dying from agonising over Alec.)
> 
> Kudos and Comments are highly appreciated :)


End file.
